doroteika

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 23:32:36 GMT

So I guess it did not work for us after all. I wish you did not have to hurt so much. But I know you are strong and soon you will find your angel. What can I say. After all I am not the one for you. Maybe being alone does not frighten me that much. I will be that way for a while, maybe for too long. That is the way things are. You and I live on separate worlds. I know it is hard. I am hollow. And I will be this way for a while.
I guess this is the price you pay for being so independent. I wish you knew me back then, maybe then it would have worked. But someone already hurt me so deep that the girl I used to be is gone. You say I don’t show emotions, but it is because I learned to see but not feel. Learned to smile but cry inside. Learned to bottle up all this. I guess now I am more like a man, too independent, and I will be this way. I am never going back to where and what I was. Only the future is ahead of me, the past is gone and fuck it. The present is now and the moment I turn around it has become history.

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 21:04:38 GMT

Things I need to finish by October 31:

Finish reading Cosmopolis a shitty book and do a book report on it.

Do my Neuroscience neurotransmitters essay freaking 6 pages and do a hell of a good job.

Finish Common App plus supplements.

Urban Economies hundred pages of crap pluzzzz write about it.

Substance Abuse homework…

THINGS I SHOULD HAVE SEEN, BUT DIDN’T:

When applying to Berkeley for September 2007, should have seen the small crappy sentences on page something something that states that international applicant if accepted must go spring 2007 for social science majors.

My deviant behavior has peaked, according to everyone, if I go to Cali they cannot live without me, well to bad…

To Do by November 2:

Substance Abuse AA meeting essay.

Before that read the 12 steep book.

To Do by November 17:

Go to San Francisco on Thursday and be back on Monday got to visit Berkeley cuz I need to make some freaking choices soon.

It’s not even November and already I am thinking of the end of this school year. I have too many things outside of school, it’s too hard to make myself stay home and do work for more than two hours. I need love and I am sick of it. Too much duality…work work work…and deviate from it all.

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 15:18:44 GMT

I hate how people keep using me for their own little purposes. My parents for their own sake want me to stay in NYC. Yeah…lovely. Stay here…I hate/love this fucking city. I hate most of the people here and their stupid psychological outlook on life…but I love some. And the few, very few people don’t even live in the city and will most likely leave it.
I guess I have been bottling up a lot of feelings lately.
I hate it when people say “I love you” but the meaning, it just doesn’t come right. It’s not working out; I postponed and was going to seize all action applying out of NYC, since I thought “Things here are going perfect.” But again faith wants me out of this stupid city.
I want to go away from here, away from everyone…just be myself. I feel so trapped.
One of these days I am just going to leave and get out of here…and all the people who claim they love me can go on with their lives without me. I really don’t care anymore. I shouldn’t and won’t. I should not. I can’t pretend anymore to be happy, I really can’t. I got to take some serious actions and I am sorry because I will hurt people who dearly love me. But I can’t, I just can’t. This love is killing me. I am sure those people will find another love, a better one, the right one for them. Everyone deserves genuine happiness, not pretending and make believe. I just got to leave, because I realized that I will never again depend on someone, the only person I believe in is myself and that’s enough to be happy. I guess it really depends on how you look at the world, through a shade of worn out glasses or though pink lenses, it makes all the difference.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 20:10:29 GMT

Vitinka, Vitinka, Vitinka, Vitinka....I miss you. Every second I miss you, every single second I miss you like it's a lifetime without you. Moi Vitinka...Ja lubya tibya...ochin mnoga.

To be loved and to love

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 05:35:43 GMT

I open my eyes…and I still can’t believe it. It just happened. I met the one. Out of my misery there he was, standing along smiling and showing me the path towards a better life. It’s amazing…I guess I have just been scared to admit to myself that we are perfect. He loves me like I have never been loved before; I don’t need to speak a lot of words for him to understand. And when I am sad and try to cover it up with the best of smiles, he sees beneath my smile, right into my eyes straight into my soul.
I just can’t believe that he loves me so much and does so many things for me. He talks about the future and us with such an ease, he is always happy, yet very serious. His eyes change, in the morning they are green filled with sparkle of blue, hazel and brown, in the night they are hazel and light brown. I adore his smile and his laughter is soothing. I love it how we are opposites, yet very similar. I love how as each day progresses our relationship blossoms and I can finally say I found the one that truly loves me and appreciates me. It’s true I am difficult and he knows it. I have problems that go far beyond the usual drama queen teenager girl. But he accepts them. He knows everything and his not afraid, his a real man, yet he allows me to see the boy in him. I won’t forget how before his exam I had a bad allergic reaction and he stayed the whole day and night sleeping next to me, only that he never slept, he closed his eyes, watched me sleep and hugged me.
I never thought that a guy like him would be interested in me, surprisingly with all my “difficulty” and with all those easy breezy girls surrounding him, he feel in love with me and I am his first love.
I don’t guess this time, I know that life returns every good dead you have done and punishes every bad one you did. I will try my best in this relationship not because he loves me like crazy,…but because I love him too.

Hehehe, he just text me saying how all of his pillows smell like me, it’s so sweet and lovely.

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 18:22:42 GMT

It’ been raining in NYC for the past two weeks, it got really cold and dark. All of the sudden the summer is gone it didn’t leave me time to say goodbye it, it just passed me by.
The school year is starting soon, I am happy that I will get to take classes I really love and I am passionate about.
There are a lot of things I left behind this year, I feel like although it’s not an official start of the year, it feels like a new beginning. There are some hopes I wish I didn’t have to drown, but it didn’t depend on me. There are so many things ahead of me but I just couldn’t face them because it seemed almost impossible to leave behind the past just like that and walk away. It’s not just changing your geographical position, it’s leaving the ghost from the past behind, letting them die, and giving them what they want- to remain in the past and for you to move along the present without them. I think I am getting there as the last hope just fades away as each day of the summer slowly and bitterly dies and as the promise of winter comes along.
As the wind brushes along the fragile trees the hopes I had in the past will be carried away. Some things just don’t depend on you no matter how much you wish they do, it’s hard loosing someone you dearly loved, but the hardest thing is trying to forgive yourself for the things you did and you couldn’t do, the things you just wanted to say, but instead they came out as the wrong words. I tried my best and I failed I admit it. The hardest thing is not having any regrets, what is in the past stays there, sometimes it becomes real only in your dreams, but when you wake up it is the present that keeps you alive. It is the present that you could control, the future you hope for, and the dead hopes that will never come alive because they only belong in the untouchable past.

random as it could get

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 07:14:07 GMT

It’s almost 3 am and it’s been a hectic summer. Actually the beginning of the summer was a bummer and then all the sudden all the fun came from nowhere. Lately, I hardly have time to go home, or try to sleep normally. But it’s ok…it’s been a blast in many ways than one. Now I’m kind sad because I don’t want to sit at home and wait for Vitya to call me. What the hell? It’s so unusual…
School is starting soon and I got to do some stuff, paper crappy work before that. Probably will end up taking 2 or 3 graduate classes, they are actually fun. Hahaha yeah but definitely do not plan to study all the time. Oh man I have to do some much, it’s been so much fun that I forgot all the stuff I was supposed to do. I guess I kind of don’t care anymore and it’s not good. Wow…guess college changes even the toughest people. Lol…yeah got to make some serious choices, need time to think…but I want to party and have fun.

I will kill Vitya tomorrow if at all I can see him…I have to do work but at least I am listening to the Russian music he gave me which is actually pretty good and makes my mood even better.

Yeah my sleeping and working habits are totally messed up…and I definitely am changing, I can see it and feel it. Kinda scary, yet kinda pleasant in a very weird way.

I don’t know why I am writing in this journal…oh wait! I just remembered Vitya reads it and he will know how I am mad that I didn’t get to see him tonight (although we have been together the whole day and previous nights and days- but I’m not counting those).

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 23:25:55 GMT

I love this song; I loved it the fist time I heard it which was a very long time ago. It was in London and I always associate it with the fun times I had there. I guess I didn't understand it back then, but I still liked it. It's not really a fun song, but I forgot how much I liked it.
If only I could remember the movie this song was a theme in; it was a really big romantic movie. It was about this guys who had a flower store and he falls in love with a complete stranger. I remember that he filled up her entire apartment with roses. I think the city was San Francisco. Ah...so romantic! And probably very unrealistic, but dream along Doroteia.
I wish I knew what that movie was called, really want to watch it again.

Sinead O'Connor, Nothing Compares to You

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 23:11:14 GMT

I am bored, bored, and bored!!!! Sitting and waiting, but nothing is happening. Yeah, I need a miracle. Seems that the forecast ahead only predicts clouds, but I hope that the sun might appear, although statistically the odds are against it {speaking metaphorically}.

One of these mornings

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 01:45:26 GMT

Some things I guess you never say aloud, but from time to tome they come up as if to remind you of their existence.
All my life I have been closing the pages of my past. Past homes, numerous friends, places, schools, toys…Nothing was tangible, the present appeared in front of my eyes and then like a mirage it suddenly blended within the cages of my insanity, only to slip away and become another past. Foolishly I thought I could find something real, someone who would stay…Caught in some game I went with the flow only to find out I was not in a river but in an ocean.
But I guess my sociology professor is right, everything is interconnected and even the most bizarre details of your life they still belong in some big thread. Finding who you are and what you want doesn’t always involve having plenty of choices in front of you. It’s true that if you pick the first thing among others to come you might lose. But I guess sometimes the thing you want the most and that makes you truly happy is the one thing that you overlooked or you abounded. Sometimes having plenty of possibilities is no precursor and a visa to happiness.
Is it loosing “it” that you realize how much it meant to you? Or is it abandoning your previous “difficult” life fooling yourself that your “brand new” trouble free life is a better one. I guess most people including me just think that when you start all over again you are aloud to wipe out everything that bothered you before: old clothes, past relationships, and past misdemeanors, and throw them out. You can surely dispose the material things, but the emotion always leaves a trail behind. No matter how hard you try to forget some thing are not meant to be erased; they come up even if you don’t dare to speak of them; they still remain bottling up, waiting to set free.
It just happens instantaneously, all of a sudden one day you wake up only to find yourself next to a stranger, someone who you once called your friend and lover, but they don’t know the “true” you. I guess one of these mornings you might wish you kept something from your past, something tangible and real. And time will tell you what is real and what is not… just, the real will stay forever regardless of the wind, water, or dust it will be the real you in yourself, but all you need now it to wait and see..

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 14:09:56 GMT

I am surrounded in a crowd full of familiar and strange faces. Every one seems to be passing me by; my friends smile at me but somehow I can’t smile back. The air is heavy and I feel lonely although there are plenty of people around me. Do they even know me, or maybe I don’t know myself.
In holy boredom I feel as if there is something missing, but what is it? I pretend I am happy, but still there is something incomplete in me. Is there a missing piece, and where is it?
Why does it feel strange when I am supposed to be happy? Surrounded by pleasant people, a boy who loves me, why do I still feel incomplete? He says he loves me, and I know he does, but I don’t love him back. Everything with him is perfect, no fights, no arguments, no tears, no trouble, yet there is something unspeakable in the air. I feel it, yet I fail to describe it. It is a feeling that is smashing me, it is a heaviness that doesn’t seem to go away, and it is a burden that remains in my mind.
Yet some hope remains, a hope that as each day passes by I could forget the pain inside me, I could forget the image of that certain person who betrayed me, I could just forget he ever existed in my life. That is when I will be complete.